I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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