The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
