planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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