I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
