It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
