I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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