I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
