1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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