Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
