my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
