if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Randomize
