i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
