DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
All I want is dick and wine.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
