watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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