we have officially lost it.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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