I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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