don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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