He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
