your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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