Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
