I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
