THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
