So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
