You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
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Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
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Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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