Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
