just survived the first fart of the relationship.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
