I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
