All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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