Hey man sorry I got all grabby
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
