Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
