I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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