I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
