I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
