My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You've changed since you got that strap on
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
