New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
