I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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