So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
