I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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