The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
