this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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