Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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