so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
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The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
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Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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