it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Randomize
