I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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