just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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