I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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