I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
