Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
