I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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