Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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