...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
