his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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