people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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