made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
