Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
