Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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