I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
