my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
