I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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