i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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