I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I want to have your abortion
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
