just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
