Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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